Monday Blues


Earth's horizon and the International Space St...
Earth’s horizon and the International Space Station’s solar array panels are featured in this image photographed by the Expedition 17 crew in August 2008. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I don’t like Mondays,” sang Bob Geldof. Neither do I but not for the same reasons as Sir Bob. I don’t like Mondays as the it’s the day when I’m harassed and bothered and badgered. I don’t like Mondays as I’m constantly interrupted. I don’t like Mondays as it’s the day the Cold-Callers come out in force.

I’m not sure why they pick Mondays as the day to ring me three or four times an hour. Maybe Monday is a good selling day (although they assure me they’re not trying to sell me anything). Perhaps Mondays are when we’re at our most vulnerable. Maybe after the excesses of the weekend we feel we need to claim for the PPI we took out with a loan or that we need solar panels on our rooves or we need to switch our bank accounts.

What I do know is that they are very persistent and the fact that I registered with the Telephone Preference Service was as much use as a chocolate teapot. My tried and tested methods of dealing with Cold-Callers are to say, “Sorry, I’m not interested” and slam down the phone or to say, “Hello…Hello… Hello,” and pretend that it’s a bad line and then slam down the phone. But these are not very imaginative or much fun. So I’ve decided to come with a list of more exciting and creative ways of dealing with Cold-Callers.

1 – When they call asking to speak to my husband and ask what time he is due home I will say, “I’ve no idea. None at all. Infact, if you find him and speak to him can you tell him to call me. I haven’t seen him for weeks since he went off with that bitch from work – Bastards!”

2 – Whilst speaking to them and feigning interest, I will suddenly say, “Can you say that again?…It’s just…I…I’m not sure where I put…Do you know where I put it?…The thing…The thing I’ve lost…Surely you must know…I…I’m not having a good day…I know it’s here somewhere…You must have seen it…Have you taken it?… You have, haven’t you.” I figure by this point they will have hung-up on me. Unless, of course, they are really tenacious or desperate for a sale. Then it will become a game as to who can keep it up the longest. I will win.

3 – I will break off in the middle of conversation by saying, “There is someone at the door, I won’t be a minute.” I will then wait a few seconds, let out a blood curdling scream, make lots of banging and crashing noises before hanging up the phone. Actually, this might not be such a good idea as they could dispatch the police to my home. On second thoughts, this isn’t very likely. They’ll be too busy calling the next poor sod to achieve their targets.

4 – I will put on some music and turn it up really loud. I will then say, “I can’t hear you…No I can’t turn it down, I’m having a party…Where are you? …Do you want to ditch work and come over? It’s all going off in here…It’s really fucking mental.” Anyone who is having a party at 11am on a Monday morning is clearly not someone you should be doing business with. This will work best if you put on some dance music – Old Skool Acid House is my recommendation.

5 – Finally, I will say, “Of course I’d like to hear all about your PPI claims service/solar panel promotion/how I can save money with my bank account. But first I have a message for you. It’s from God.”

So there you have it. Five new ways for me to transform Mondays for the day I don’t like to the day I love. Roll on next Monday.


Apprehenison? 2

Fear & Anticipation
Fear & Anticipation (Photo credit: hartlandmartin)

So the apprehension and excitement came about two hours before the curtain went up. It was bound to, wasn’t it? The apprehension and the excitement increased as we found the venue, parked the car and went inside. The apprehension increased as I had to tell the man on the door that I didn’t have a ticket as I was a guest. There hasn’t been many times in my life that I’ve got in somewhere for free by being a guest. The few times I have I’ve always felt a little uncomfortable with the whole idea of not paying. It always sounds a bit pretentious to me.

My apprehension increased a little more when the man seemed unable to find my name. If he couldn’t find it then I’d have to say, “But, I’m one of the writers” which would sound more than a bit pretentious. However, after much searching, he did find it so I was saved this embarrassment.

My apprehension increased even further when I saw some of the ladies from my writing group there. They had come to support me, which was fantastic, but suddenly I wished that everyone in the room didn’t know me.I wished that they had never met me before or heard my name. I even wished my husband wasn’t there. This could all go terribly wrong and I might need to quietly sneak out the back with no-one noticing me. I couldn’t do that if people I knew kept smiling and wishing me luck.

My apprehension reached fever pitch when I saw my play was to be the last of the evening. I’ve always been the kind of girl to volunteer first in order to get whatever public display I’ve somehow got roped into out-of-the-way. I can then breathe a sigh of relief and relax a little. But not tonight it seemed. Tonight there were four other plays on before mine and a singer and an interval.

So I sat and watched the other plays, and chatted with my mind only half on the conversations during the interval and listened to the singer. Then it was the turn of my play. I had had no input in this at all. I’d just sent the theatre company my script and I’d written it a couple of months ago so the lines were not fresh in my mind. I didn’t know what to expect. A stunned silence (not in a good way)? A half-hearted round of applause? Oh God, where was the nearest exit?

The music started, the actors took their places and then it began. And it was odd to watch. The lines all came flooding back to me, the actors and director had interpreted it just the way I had envisaged it and the actors were fantastic. Especially the lady who played the main character. And then it was over. Just like that. And people clapped and people congratulated me and people said they liked it. And one lady asked for my contact details as she said she would possibly like to use the piece in another theatre night. It was then I realised that the apprehension had gone. 


Map of Lincolnshire, UK with the following inf...
Map of Lincolnshire, UK with the following information shown: Administrative borders Coastline, lakes and rivers Roads and railways Urban areas Equirectangular map projection on WGS 84 datum, with N/S stretched 165% Geographic limits: West: 1.16W East: 0.39E North: 53.75N South: 52.62N (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I feel surprisingly OK this morning. I wasn’t expecting to. I expected to wake-up feeling excited yet nervous the same time. Sorry, apprehensive not nervous. You should never use the word nervous. It has too many negative connotations attached to it. At least, that’s what a therapist once told me (Yes, I have been in therapy but, then, who hasn’t? It’s the twenty-first century after all).

Anyway, I’m not feeling excited or apprehensive – yet. That will come later. And I know it will come because, tonight, my first play is going to be performed. Ok, it’s a short play (less than ten minutes) and it’s being performed in a social club in Lincolnshire but, none the less, I have a play that I have written being performed in front of a paying audience tonight. How cool is that?

And this might be the start of something and, then again, tonight could be the pinnacle of my writing career. But it doesn’t really matter how this all turns out because tonight I’m going to have a play performed and not many people can say that. It’s an exciting and apprehensive moment. At least, it will be later.