“I don’t like Mondays,” sang Bob Geldof. Neither do I but not for the same reasons as Sir Bob. I don’t like Mondays as the it’s the day when I’m harassed and bothered and badgered. I don’t like Mondays as I’m constantly interrupted. I don’t like Mondays as it’s the day the Cold-Callers come out in force.
I’m not sure why they pick Mondays as the day to ring me three or four times an hour. Maybe Monday is a good selling day (although they assure me they’re not trying to sell me anything). Perhaps Mondays are when we’re at our most vulnerable. Maybe after the excesses of the weekend we feel we need to claim for the PPI we took out with a loan or that we need solar panels on our rooves or we need to switch our bank accounts.
What I do know is that they are very persistent and the fact that I registered with the Telephone Preference Service was as much use as a chocolate teapot. My tried and tested methods of dealing with Cold-Callers are to say, “Sorry, I’m not interested” and slam down the phone or to say, “Hello…Hello… Hello,” and pretend that it’s a bad line and then slam down the phone. But these are not very imaginative or much fun. So I’ve decided to come with a list of more exciting and creative ways of dealing with Cold-Callers.
1 – When they call asking to speak to my husband and ask what time he is due home I will say, “I’ve no idea. None at all. Infact, if you find him and speak to him can you tell him to call me. I haven’t seen him for weeks since he went off with that bitch from work – Bastards!”
2 – Whilst speaking to them and feigning interest, I will suddenly say, “Can you say that again?…It’s just…I…I’m not sure where I put…Do you know where I put it?…The thing…The thing I’ve lost…Surely you must know…I…I’m not having a good day…I know it’s here somewhere…You must have seen it…Have you taken it?… You have, haven’t you.” I figure by this point they will have hung-up on me. Unless, of course, they are really tenacious or desperate for a sale. Then it will become a game as to who can keep it up the longest. I will win.
3 – I will break off in the middle of conversation by saying, “There is someone at the door, I won’t be a minute.” I will then wait a few seconds, let out a blood curdling scream, make lots of banging and crashing noises before hanging up the phone. Actually, this might not be such a good idea as they could dispatch the police to my home. On second thoughts, this isn’t very likely. They’ll be too busy calling the next poor sod to achieve their targets.
4 – I will put on some music and turn it up really loud. I will then say, “I can’t hear you…No I can’t turn it down, I’m having a party…Where are you? …Do you want to ditch work and come over? It’s all going off in here…It’s really fucking mental.” Anyone who is having a party at 11am on a Monday morning is clearly not someone you should be doing business with. This will work best if you put on some dance music – Old Skool Acid House is my recommendation.
5 – Finally, I will say, “Of course I’d like to hear all about your PPI claims service/solar panel promotion/how I can save money with my bank account. But first I have a message for you. It’s from God.”
So there you have it. Five new ways for me to transform Mondays for the day I don’t like to the day I love. Roll on next Monday.